An account of an individual's efforts to transcend a dark time in life through reflection, gaining perspective of self, and God.
What makes what hard?
I just received an email regarding my transfer application to the CS major, and I got rejected. Some of the initial feeling that arose were being sad over potential reasons for why I got rejected--did they not believe what I wrote in my extenuating circumstance? Worse yet, did they believe it and felt that was more of a reason for me to not be admitted? Or did it just come down to my bad grades? (Personally, I think mainly the last)
But it's hard to go from this point, of having to face rejection (read: feel dejected, defeated, a hint of despair, and perhaps, if I were to have met this news in worse times, feeling a bit existential), to working towards success. For multiple reasons (but mainly one)
I think that primarily, there needs to be a belief in myself that "I can do better, I can actually get high grades and successfully transfer". The absence of that (in this case, a not-yet strong, developing, belief of that) is mainly why It is hard.
Other reasons are auxiliary, and I feel they fall apart with enough time and having faced rejection enough times. Reasons such as "what will others think of me," or "this messes up my life plan." To address the former, I think one eventually grows jaded to the opinion of others. And in response to the latter, one eventually not only recognizes but realizes (believes and lives according to that which they realize, rather than just "know") that life does not go as planned, and that, despite whatever circumstances, continually playing the optimal strategy (one step further, iterating it) is the only way towards the most ideal future (whatever it is). Necessarily, the process (of playing the optimal strategy--or at least what we think is the optimal strategy) is most important, over some 'life plan'
Nov 30, 2021
some things cannot be said in conversation, either text or in real life, in a way they can be expressed through a paragraph or a letter. there are many, many things that I want to communicate to you and I hope I'm able to do that through these large walls of text
I hate to be so explicit, but I will put upfront what I ultimately want you to know… please read on to hear why: don't take the path to end your life... the typical reasons for why any young person should not end their lives hold true: you are truly valued, you are still so young, so full of potential that I fully believe you will meet. but I tell you this in specific for one reason; everything is fucked right now, but I've learned in life that you spontaneously find order and peace in times of chaos and despair: give life the opportunity to turn itself around for you.
___'s death I truly believe was fundamentally an accident: if there was no alcohol involved, nothing would have happened that night. but he was going through a rough low and that made it possible for such an accident to even occur in the first place. he talked of suicide before, but only when drunk. but if there was no alcohol that night, and he made it to winter break and came back to _________, and we went out for the steak dinner I promised, met up with friends and shared conversations, actually felt love rather than received and sent “love you” texts that became routine, and he got proper sleep at home without the stress of school to not feel as terrible and emotionally and physically tired as he did in _______, those would have been opportunities for him to feel better. if he saw his parents and grandma and brother again, shared homecooked meals again, spent time with them, those would have been opportunities for him to feel better. he was deserving of opportunities for life to get better for him
there's the over-said cliché that “things get better” and I think that how order is in chaos, what the ying and yang symbolizes from millennia of thought, is the driving force of how that comes to be. so if all of hell breaks loose, more than what you are currently living, and you feel complete despair, first know that it is only human to despair, but secondly and more importantly truly realize that there exists opportunities in the future for life to unexpectedly turn itself for you, to not feel tiring, to look beautiful to you again
through outward appearance or mannerisms, besides a similar face (which has been a large source of confidence for me—to be compared to you), we may not be considered similar people. but, through our times together, I get a sense that in terms of the core of our personalities and the values we share, we are very alike
You want to go through this alone. alone not in the sense of having absolutely nobody know what you're going through, but in the sense you hesitate to want to bring anybody else to ride the downs of your life with you every step of the way. you have your reasons why, and if we are as similar as I believe we are to be, its because you want to be strong, preserve your image, and not be selfish. continue to do what helps you express yourself… but truly realize your closest friends and your family are here for you for precisely these moments. I'm here for you, share me your burdens because that's truly the best thing I can and want to do for you, just as you've shared my burdens in the past. even if that looks like you saying the similar thing to me just so you can express yourself. fly to _____, see your parents. this is what I mean when I say don't stop yourself from getting help
An important distinction. Romance is not necessarily love; I define romance as the exciting, oft lust-filled, hormonal feelings of temporal attraction to another, without necessarily an explicit justification of the connection (contra marriage where there are obligations depending on one's ethics, or the "learning to love" necessary in such permanent arrangements).
First question: what is it that you like the person for (which is more important than the usual question: why do you like the person). This question will reveal the quality you seek in people you are susceptible to becoming attracted towards.
Second question: is this feature inherently unique to a single person or can be generalized across many? And to what is the threshold for the feature(s) to start generating attraction for you? (For instance, height may be a factor for attraction—at what height is the height attractive? Or to what extent of being physically attractive make them actually attractive?)
Two main ideas have been on my mind in the recent couple days:
1. Replaceability of attraction.
Is there ever a quality, or that which creates attraction for an individual, that is fully unique to only one person on earth? - if not, then in purely the context of romantic attraction, is not one always replaceable?
Thus, in event of heartbreak (or, rather, a couple months, or perhaps years, past one), one should keep in mind the replaceability of past romantic interests: there are others you may like for effectively the exact same reason you liked your ex.
Liberation derived from this recognition may also help you believe—that is, remove a reason for not believing—that who gave you a heartache will never (sans nominal chaos in existence) fulfill the role of The One in your life ever again; said differently, you can believe you and your ex will not get back together, and this belief has no negative connotations or implications—rather, it is a freeing understanding. Let me explain.
When I mention The One, I am not referring to the romanticism idea of a single person that is the perfect match for you. Instead, I mean the schema of individual(s) you are attracted to that exists in your mind. This schema is not exactly an immature idealization, an "ideal type," as this schema is pragmatic. However, or rather because of such pragmatism, this schema is not less (but more) powerful in terms of it generating attraction for you towards another person (that fits in this schema) than an "ideal type". Let me circle around this schema idea so it becomes more clear, as I believe it is important to understand.
Said differently, The One, or the schema, is an abstraction of an individual you find attractive. Potentially, part of the schema will be a set of mannerisms, physical features, or personality traits. The schema may be informed by past romantic partners (they did something you liked and now you want any potential future partners to do or be such thing). The schema is what will detect all potential romantic interests.
Thus, as your schema was fulfilled, and even informed, by your past lover, our minds will readily attribute the ex lover (seemingly without the concept of entropy and time) back to the schema: our minds may tell us "s/he is the one" and generate romantic, hormonal attraction towards them, despite the moment passing. The biggest reason why is because they have visibly fulfilled that role in the past thus you understand they match the schema. However, understanding that one is not strictly connected to the person but rather a schema, your mind can more easily digest the fact that, indeed, they will never get back together with you. Hence, there should be no hope of a future with an ex. Nor should you be desperate for one as, again, there are others—they are replaceable.
As a footnote to the idea directly above; one should also have in mind that there are other options to choose as well: more people that fit the exact schema, if not better. Thus, one should never feel upset about having no future with an ex; while emotions may not be controllable by reason, meaning is what evokes emotions and meaning becomes updated through revelation. Everything prior (and post) here is that revelation.
On the presupposition that all qualities that one can be attracted to in a person is, at an eventual level, generalizable and belonging to all, the core idea is this: we are not attracted to individuals, we are attracted to The One, the schema, the mental abstraction of a romantic partner. It is hard to forget about a past partner because they most obviously exemplified such schema—not because there is something special about them.
In consequence, all the feelings you may be feeling regarding your ex (perhaps jealousy, perhaps unwant of letting go, perhaps feelings of insecurity, perhaps feelings of embarrasement) have no real basis for existing; all these negative feelings are only producable by one that you still like, but the past partner is not just replaceable but irrelevant in terms of what you want out of a romantic relationship in your ilfe.
2. Replaceability of humans.
It seems only natural to comes across this idea from the suppositions laid before. Are all people in our lives in some way replaceable? Are bonds and relationships shared with others replaceable? Do people that depend on others, whether family, friend, or, as discussed above, romantic partners, just fulfilling a certain schema for the role of such person in an individual's life? In such case, the actual person itself exists (at least in the interpretive level) mainly to satisfy the schema.
To clarify, I do believe in some inherently unique aspect of individuals—perhaps what is referred as the soul. Thus, I'm not entirely convinced that the replaceability of humans as stated above is (even nearly) the full picture. But, relationally, and beyond a certain point of trying to move on, this recognition of the general and not the specific is the correct recognition in order to fully move on.
As additional clarification, I'm still thinking about these ideas—this note entry acts as part of the process. Perhaps, to address what I said directly above, the reason why I'm getting away with treating the individual as able to exist effectively in pure abstraction is because I am approaching the world as a forum of ones interpretation of the world (that's to say, talking about what's going on inside the mind), rather than a more complex world with metaphysics and the souls and uniqueness of individuals as the focus.
These are a collection of bible verses that I always look back to whenever I feel like I'm out of focus again. A few of these I saw while watching a video from Transformation Church on "Release." I usually read these in order since I feel significance can be derived in each previous verse that is revealed through the next verse.
This written by Paul doesn't really follow the order that I was talking about, but it is a verse I read as not an excuse to sin but as encouragement that struggling is better than completely letting go, and that it is okay to struggle at times.
I love this. The significance this verse holds is that to forget the past is necessary, to show that despite anything that has happened in the past, focusing on the future is what's important. So when straining ahead, what do you focus on?
Focus steadily on what is ahead and don't stray from that path -- don't do evil!
These verses also gave light in how important having a vision is too, but more on that later.
I know a couple weeks ago I mentioned that's when I hit rock-bottom. Too soon. Just yesterday I actually thought about suicide: weighed the pros and cons and looked into whether I would still go to heaven if I decided to kill myself. Many would say, "that's not real crippling depression -- you wouldn't even want to find that out or be thinking this 'rationally'" Certainly I would have in the past entertain that to be true. However, now I see why it's not true (Again, the thing about being able to see a more higher resolution of reality by actually being in the position rather than attempting to be in the shoes of a person in that position -- something I mention in the very first post).
Two reasons why. Firstly, the timeframe of meeting the brightline of seriously thinking of suicide is faster than it seems. The descent isn't linearly negative, it's exponentially negative. We would assume (merely as a default, not because there is any reason for this) that the descent would be consistent until wanting death, but just like Matthew's Law ("... to those with little, all will be taken"), it gets more worse the worse you are. All that is to say that I certainly surprised myself with how serious my thoughts were. Many people joke about suicide, and I'm not saying that joking about suicide is bad, but I am saying that that has an element of illuding reality until reality is met.
Secondly, the initial assumption of being able to think clearly is false. For the past few days it seemed that my reasoning faculties were working, well, reasonably, and could employ logic. Yet, I questioned this belief as I continued to be chronically unhappy. Moreover, in a conversation I had with my friend last night about the state I was in (very fortunate to have this friend that I'm able to talk to), I was shown concretely that the conclusions I were drawing certainly weren't thoroughly thought out. Why? I think it has to do with the intake of certain information that the mind performs reasoning on. Many things are very confused in my mind, so I'm not able to draw rational conclusions because of the fact that I don't have all the information that I need in order to draw the most rational conclusions. Not saying that I need all the objective information in the world, but I definitely need information that is true to my state that I don't consider that I should.
All this really shows me how dangerous I am to myself. To be unaware of self is a scary thing.
I could imagine a certain population being furious about this. "There are some people that are abused in their homes. What about children who cannot get their basic needs." In response, I'd say that suffering is always relative, although the idea that others suffer more than us can give us gratitute that can be used to combat a mindset of suffering. Yes, I do not live in absolute destitute. I am very grateful for these things, and these things are absolutely the reason why I'm not going to kill myself. But this statement is fallacious to say in general to anybody who contemplates suicide that lives above a certain income bracket or who have more than 20 friends on Facebook. Two reasons.
Firstly, each individual's differing levels of tolerance to suffering. This is either through (1) differences in personality proclivities and a mixture of (2) what the individual's worldview is. People have differing levels of neuroticism, the susceptibility to negative emotions. A negative thing can effect two different people on different levels. Moreover, an individual may have a reason, a "why to live," that makes it very hard for anybody or anything to knock them down. Secondly, suffering is relative to individual's baseline: I'd argue this is mostly determined by environmental factors. I think it would be very shallow to point to certain individuals and say "you have a friend and aren't homeless, you for sure cannot ever think about suicide," For the same core issues that drive humans to ending their own lives will show up in any shape and form, no matter how much we illude ourselves that it isn't the case.
I'm very grateful that I have had opportunities thrown at me so that I may be able to escape this dark pit of loneliness that is the point of thinking of suicide within depression. Personally, why I wouldn't commit suicide is because of the suffering that I would cause my family, specifically my parents. Despite everything I do and haven't done, they've shown love and I know they'll be devastated to have their child commit suicide. My parents know that I'm having a hard time right now, and them knowing and knowing they're being empathetic really helps, but I can't think about how draining I must be for them currently. Anyways, I don't know if this is rock bottom. There is still more to go, but I don't necessarily want to descend that much further (not that I even wanted to descend to this point in the first place). You know, I write these with expectation that nobody reads them. I mean, how is anybody going to even find this? Maybe at least one person will come across it and find it intriguing that they start reading the posts from the start. Nevertheless, I feel obliged to say and repeat what so many other people have said before; if you're thinking of suicide, don't you dare do it man. God loves you, and by extension of God's love, I love you too. All this suffering and pain and hopelessness and despair? You have the ability to overcome it. You and every single other being on earth.
On the car ride home, I think I finally found the actual fundamental reason why I started this descent in my life. That'll be for another time, yeah?
God has been really prevalent in my life for the past few weeks. Although I made a very large misstep by relapsing and returning to my old ways (two days ago), I believe God is continuing to work through me. Although it does feel more detatched than before.
That being said, while walking through the door to enter my house after coming home from volunteering, I recognized something that is apparently obviously true that works well as a quick antidote to struggle. I realized, the thing with inevitable suffering is that suffering is a part of the journey of progression and development; inevitable suffering in life isn't suffering for the sake of it. Struggle does not matter because there is a goal. "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how" says Neitzsche.
The issue was that even when I would immerse myself in faith, I would know that I would still have circumstancial suffering. Potentially even more of it. So now, why would I struggle to do good on a daily basis (as opposed to indulging in worldly pleasures that doesn't negatively impact too much of my life), when my outlook on earth wouldn't change in terms of continued suffering? I initially challenged this by saying, "look, you're gonna suffer either way, but suffering while having God to depend on is much better." That worked for a while, but unsurprisingly in condition to human nature, I would be able to rationalize myself outside of that block. The biggest problem was that I would still continue to suffer while living. However, I didn't ask myself why I would suffer.
Yeah, I'd agree, and I'd use the same reason as before in response to this. But more convincingly, this is precisely the reason why I will be more willing to take on inevitable suffering since I understand -- whether inside or outside the context of faith -- that suffering happens in the development of self and not just for the heck of it. Lively life isn't represented by a line that floats a single unit above baseline when life is happy, and descends a single unit below the baseline when life is sad, and moves to y = 0 when life is decent. There is progression in working towards achieving an actual end goal. This is exactly where faith plays it's part. I'd argue that the end goal is completely transcendent from any parties of this world. Only a gamemaker decides on the actual objective of the game: even sandbox games like Minecraft. They create the bounds of the game and although you can do whatever you want in it, there is still the objective to survive, or even more ultimately, of finding and killing an enderdragon. That's because the game makers recognize that although they acknowledge that players will probably just have fun within it, a storyline and goal is still necessary to keep players on the game -- or else they would leave the game because they have no purpose of being in it.
Re: Asking for a Week Break from School
Dear —,
I am sorry to hear that you have been experiencing such struggles lately, though I am encouraged to see that you recognize that perseverance in the face of difficulty leads to growth. As a school, we want to support you through all the circumstances you face. In the situation you are in now, I would encourage you to continue coming to school. We can arrange a session with [the school counselor] so that you can learn some strategies not just to cope with how you are feeling, but to address the issues and potentially work at overcoming the burdens that are keeping you down. Additionally, in our experience, when a student misses a significant amount of class time, the pressure that arises can leave the student in worse shape than they were before their absence.
Ultimately it is your parents who will need to make the decision of whether or not you miss a week of school. While your teachers may be able to give you an idea of what curriculum would be addressed during your absence, the time you spent away from your classes would have a negative impact on your learning.
I'm very thankful to have received your email and want to work with you to help you move forward as you deal with these difficulties. Please let me know if you have further questions or would like some additional guidance.
Asking for a Week Break from School
Good evening,
The past few months have been extremely burdensome for me, caused by stress primarily from relationships, a repeated failure of aspirations, and a lack of vision for my life. Many discouraging things have happened in my life recently -- some by my cause, and others by circumstance -- that has descended me to a very low point in life, close to absolute despair.
I understand the Bible says to not despair, but is it not only human to experience human nature? As Paul writes in Romans 7, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." This is not justification for despair, but rather encouragement that a struggle is better than completely letting go.
The source of the majority of the stress and discouragement I get are from being at school; if not the source, that is what amplifies my stress from elsewhere. Nothing is wrong with the school itself, like the building and faculty. I'm grateful for PA very much, but because I need to be around certain people, it takes a toll on me, as opposed to typically otherwise, because of my current mental state. I feel that I must reset my emotional state and reflect so that I do not get to this point again. I find Matthew's Law on Accumulated Advantages and Pareto Distribution true in terms of emotional stability as well; The worse you are in an emotional state, the more prone you are to becoming even more worse. As I continue to get discouraged, I get exponentially poorer in my mental state; I think I need a break.
I am asking if I could take a week, or even a few days break from school for the purpose of bettering my current mental state. If granted, I will go to my classes to gather work that I would miss out on, and make it seem that I hadn't missed a single class. Moreover, I'm wondering if there would be any penalties, such as my attendance being filled in as "absent unexcused." I would be very eager to discuss more about this if it is permissable.
I have made many efforts, and talked about my problems, but it doesn't seem to be effective. Best case scenario, a week would be enough to get out of this state. At worst, a week break may not help much. Yet, I feel continuing to rationalize myself in preventing to attempt solutions of potentially bettering myself is not any better.
I'm sure that the nature of these problems I am facing aren't foreign to any high school student, or for any individual for that matter. However, I believe that dealing with same issues can be done more efficiently in different ways, as people are different in their personalities and circumstances.
Thank you so much for your time.
Regards,
—
This isn’t something I’ve been thinking about often, but it’s one of those things that repeatedly pops up in my mind, stays for 5 seconds, and goes away. This one is on the idea of unexpected reality of self in self-perception.
Yesterday I attempted the fitness run, a 2400m run we have to do once every < 2 months. Usually I get under 13 minutes, but this time I got 18:14, which really surprised me. That’s why I’m writing this in the morning before school, because my friend and I went to go for a run at 5 in the morning. I really need to step up my cardio; this is what I get for not doing any cardio for a year. Anyways, that’s not the point.
Being the self-conscious person I am (for now -- I’m trying to not say things that make me weak, something Jordan Peterson discusses), before the fitness run, I looked at the mirror and pulled back my hair. I was replicating how I’d look like while running. I thought I looked like a 5/10 without my hair pulled back, but with the hair pulled back-- let’s just say I thought I didn’t look too attractive. My friend came in, and I asked him if I looked weird with my hair pulled back. He said that it didn’t look weird. Just mentioned that the sides get a bit big but that it wasn’t that weird. I didn’t buy that so I just ran with a hoodie borrowed from my friend.
In another instance, when I wanted to upload a photo of my friend on a shared Instagram account, I asked if I could take a picture of him and upload the photo. I took a photo, and thought it looked fine, and then uploaded it. He said it looked really weird, so he took it down, but I didn’t think it looked weird.
Sometimes what we think we look like or behave like to ourselves, isn’t how other people perceive us. There isn’t much we can do about this. A discrepancy in a perception of ourselves vs others’ perception of ourselves breeds consequences that cannot be changed, because the consequences is in the nature of a discrepancy. Thus, the only way to solve for this, and to more efficiently improve our being is if we align ourselves most accurately with how others perceive us, while maintaining a mentality that is more supportive of improving. That is to say, you want to have the ability to be a realist but should always maintain an optimistic attitude that’s backed up with the growth mentality.
There can be multiple ways where the discrepancy happens, but I’ll think about it more and return to it another time.
I’m starting this writing practice for a therapeutic reason, and also, I thought it would be good to practice writing since my English teacher tells me that I lack in clarity.
For the past few months, I’ve been at record lows, just traversing through the rock bottom of different domains in life. The rock bottom of relationship with my parents and friends, mental health, self confidence, personal finances, and in trying to find success. When ego detached, it’s fascinating, really, but more discouraging than anything else. In each domain, I experienced and continue to experience first-hand where the adages for an antidote to darker parts of life come from.
A few years back, our class was discussing about suicide and the story of Amanda Todd. The homeroom teacher brought up that people in a troubled circumstance oftentimes put their story in public for intent that that will somehow help. Our teacher brought forth the idea that it shouldn’t be done. In no way am I saying that that tragic situation is similar to what I am experiencing now, but I can’t help but draw parallels to what the teacher said about publicizing a personal problem and me starting a website with more or less personal issue topics. But, I mean, a website is considered public, but if nobody sees, then it basically isn’t.
Anyways, my intents with this blog isn’t coming from a place of absolute emotional destitution and hopelessness, only mild emotional destitution and hopelessness. How did I get here? Good question. I think two reasons: (1) rationalization, and (2) my partial understanding of the Pareto Distribution.
I did indulge in quite a few harmful deeds to get here; I’m not mad at the world because I understand that my actions contributed greatly to being in this record low point in life. These harmful deeds were impulsive and were done to satisfy me in the short term. These harmful deeds weren’t necessarily illegal, but it went against my morals of the worldview I constructed. Being the weak-minded person I am, I decided to go along with it because it seemed to be more pleasurable: the short term benefits seemed to outweigh the possible long term harms. Whenever I would do something I should not be doing (apologies for the vagueness), I remember the thought popping up in my mind often: “I’m just developing my conscious shadow.” Shadow, in reference to a Jungian psychology idea of the unconscious dark side of an individual's personality. I also thought, “I wonder how my life would be if I just let go.” I’m not entirely sure, but I think my mind helped me in rationalizing to prevent myself from doing anything about this descent in my life.
One time I felt particularly sad about a mark on my English essay, and recognized that in that state of sadness, I was more prone to becoming more sad. At that point, I thought of the Pareto Distribution, and wondered if it applied to emotions as it seemed to do for me at that time. Specifically, the aspect of the Pareto Distribution where if you’re doing good at a certain domain, it is easier to become better, while if you are doing poorly at a certain domain, it is harder to do better and easier to do worse. I think focusing on that distracted me from focusing on remedies to help myself from the situation I was in, which is what I should’ve done.
Being at this low point in my life has allowed me to see from this point of view, as I’ve mentioned before. With thinking and a lot of focus, I would be able to gain perspective from this point in life, but life is so full of distractions that it’s almost impossible to do it. That is to say, actually descending to this place is better to gain understanding of this place. One of the adages that I’ve experienced first hand is to “not spread yourself too thin,” but that’s for another time.